new miserable experience

the title seems perfect for right now.

bad decisions piled on bad decisions.

but things ain't been all that bad lately. i've gotten to know my close friends again and make some new ones.

unfortunately, jess and i don't talk anymore. it tears me up, to be quite honest. i've had the urge an amazing number of times to call her. infact one day i sent her a text message saying 'i miss you'. another day, i said hi on msn. don't know if she got that one or not. either way, not being able to talk to her breaks my heart. another close friend, drifiting away.

thing is, it's my fault. there's no way to spin it any other way. jess had the best intentions breaking up with me and wanting to be friends with me. i just got more and more mixed up inside and got really out of hand. i did a lot of rude things and probably hurt her feelings a lot. i hope she'll be able to forgive me for that whenever it is that we talk again. i miss ya jess.

in other news....i dunno. not too much going on. just starting to fill out college apps. we'll see where it takes me.

i dunno, i keep myself crazy busy nowadays. like before, to try and keep my mind off of the things that get to me and to kind of escape. i'm working on music again, i started a new play, and i just generally volunteer for everything. it works till i get home. but i've found a new solution for that one too: going to bars at night. i've got a steady enough stream of money to where i can now afford to go out a few nights a week. i still have to be home by 10, but it's better than keeping myself locked up in this hole on nights when people can't talk.

i've been making a lot of mistakes. i've been taking a lot of risks. and i'm trying to find what it is that makes me who i am. usually i have a girl close to my heart who helps me identify myself, but this time it's just me. it's probably a good thing, but i know i'd rather still have jess to talk to.

we've been talking about anti-heroes in AP lit. simple idea really: a character who does something bad....why? because he can.
why do i make dumb decisions even though i know the outcome? because i can.

so to make this entry hopelessly simple, i've been doing stupid things and missing a best friend.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
-dido 'White Flag'

peace.