...and all this solitude is my confidence eroding

the past few days were rough. today was better. and as i'm writing this, i kind of almost wish it wasn't in one sense.

there's been a lot of time to myself to be had lately, some of it by choice, some of it pressed upon me just because at the end of the day, i have to return home. the title of this entry applies to the time forced in this apartment.

at first, this is where i was, and i tried to get out with people around me, namely kerstin and jess. that sounds kinda strange, but it's true. jess and i are still best friends and still talking like normal, just i have the awkward feeling of not being allowed to say 'i love you' anymore. that's pretty tough. but i think i do feel better about it. i don't know. you can never really try to grasp something while you do it, you have too much going on with yourself to be able to understand what's happening. i remember that when jenika and i broke up, i was really hurt when we just stopped talking. i mean, in one sense you always kinda need that distance to yourself, ya know? in another sense though, i'm touched and extremely grateful to still be able to talk to jess; the flipside of it being, of course, me having to redraw the lines of my feelings for her. at first it was harder.

the first day or two she still wanted to hang out. it was good she did the first time. we needed to sit down and talk to each other. no question about it. then i tried to pry for some alone time at the beach and she was worried and instead invited me to come riding. it didn't go off too well; i acted like a jerk and did some stupid stuff including asking her for another girl's number. not too great of an idea.

either way, i finally got some time to go to the beach myself alone now. it's good, for some reason at the beach i don't think as much, and i definitely don't feel like i'm cramped in my lonely apartment. plus, after some time, i felt alright calling people to see if they wanted to hang out.

i can't deny that i feel really lonely. it's an unavoidable feeling right now, though. if i tried to escape it, i think i would probably only make things noticeably worse.

for some reason, i've developed a certain passion for reading the meanings of songs that i like a lot. mainly from the counting crows. it's kinda interesting to see what the songwriter was actually thinking about when he wrote his song. for some songs, it's amazing how many feelings you can share, yet with others, seem worlds apart. i've been kinda sculpting out some of my own [songs] lately, my lack of knowledge with the guitar kinda hinders progress to a certain extent, but i'm triyng to work past that in multiple ways.

jess was askin me what i wanted to do for my birthday. i kinda want a dinner with friends at bacchus, but that's pretty damn expensive. i want to have them around me so i can tell them how much they mean to me all at one time. lol. i need a damn life. the only thing i'm really interested in doing for sure other than spending time with friends is using the wednesday 'open mike' night to my advantage and asking sebastian to play guitar for me so i can sing 'mr. jones'. that's probably the only big thing on my list that has any possibility of coming true. i'd love for jess to come back to me on my birthday, but that's not going to happen. oh well. i miss being able to love her. fuck.

here i go again. peace out folks.